Number one, which I am not.
Just when you think you’ve learned all you can about how to live your life in the best way possible you get side swept with something you thought you’d never have to face.
Growing up, I always “knew” I’d be successful (aka making the big bucks), traveling the world, walking amongst the elite, marrying the most handsome man in the world, and have four little ones who adore me. Well, three years after graduating from university I still don’t know what “career” I want. I haven’t traveled outside the country since graduating, I definitely do not make the big bucks, I’ve never met anyone famous, and I don’t have four set of feet running around me telling me how great of a person I am. I did, however marry the most handsome man in the world!
The years following graduation are tough. I’m not saying they haven’t been filled with fun adventures, but after supposedly “finding yourself” in college, you lose it after you graduate. You move separate ways from your closest friends and maybe see them once a year. And you start searching for yourself again. I was very blessed to find my husband after I graduated. We’ve had a great (almost) two years of marriage, but as I watch him grow in his career as a Project Manager and LOVE it, I can’t help to wonder where I went wrong. What should I have done differently? What is wrong with me? I keep feeding myself lies and binge on what the enemy is telling me.
On top of changing my career path, over the past year and a half, we have faced infertility. The four sets of feet I that should be pitter pattering around the house (at least one set) is no where in sight. You always hear about a man having his “man card” taken away when he does something womanly. Well, if I had a woman card, I feel like not being able to conceive in my early twenties would have had it revoked.
Something that I thought would come so naturally like it has to so many other women for years has not at all come naturally to me. So, I begin to wonder, “Lord, why me? Why did you choose this path for me? Why have I shed so many tears and had so many sleepless nights thinking that I am imperfect, that I am broken, that I am not worthy?” I know how Sarah felt by not being able to conceive. By not being able to do something that the female body was created to do, you feel useless, ashamed, anxious and depressed.
I have been binging on these lies for many months now, not looking for the truths that my Father gives me in His Book, because I didn’t think I was worthy. Because the lies are easier to hear than beautiful words. But He tells me that I am “fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14).” I have been sinning by not accepting that truth. I have been sinning by being anxious to the point of having anxiety attacks and not truly bringing my fears to Him and handing them over “by prayer and petition (Phil 4:6).” Instead, I have been anxious about everything! I have indadvertedly made myself number one instead of My Saviour.
I am not number one. Jesus has proven this over and over to me throughout different challenges thrown at me during my life. Why I didn’t cling to that during this challenge baffles me, because He is the greatest aspect of my life. He is Number One. Don’t listen to the enemy in your struggles. I know it may be easier to hear, but it is far from the truth. Your Number One will provide for you. He will take care of you. He will make a way out for you. Don’t cave in! This will be a daily struggle (as it is for me during this battle), but don’t make yourself number one. He is your Number One. Listen to Him.
Number one, which I am not.