“Never say never.” That’s what we’re told, right? Growing up your parents always say that when you tell them, “I’m never going to be as mean as you and ground my kids!” Or something to the like. Well, I never thought I’d have a problem having children. I didn’t really even know what that was until we started trying to have little one of our own.
I thought I could have the world on my time. It’s my life so my rules, right? Absolutely wrong! The hard part for me is that I didn’t even put off having children until I was 35 like so many women these days. Instead, I remained at an unhealthy body fat percentage and had an unhealthy relationship with exercise. I thought I’d be okay and just magically conceive like everyone else! That’s definitely not how it’s happening, though.
The truth is that I just had my first cycle without any medication in about three years last month. That’s right. From the time I was 22 to just over 25 I didn’t have a period unless I was on birth control or took a progesterone pill to try to make my period come. I knew something was wrong, but I thought my eating disorder and big control issues of my teen years were over. I decided to keep running long miles, have strenuous workout sessions in the gym, and control my food intake enough to where my body couldn’t even be a woman anymore. I even became a personal trainer. I’m not sure if that made it worse or not, but I definitely have been living at the gym. And since I work at a gym, there’s definitely not an excuse to miss a workout, right? That’s what I though. And now I’m paying for it.
Last year taught me so much. I’m still not quite out of the dark valley I walked through all of last year, but I can say that I am much closer to the LORD because of it. I still don’t know if I’ll be able to conceive, but I’m trusting God with my heart and my emotions and my body each day now. If I don’t ask Him for a renewed strength of heart and mind each day, I begin to slip back into my hole a little farther.
Part of me losing my foothold is seeing other women pregnant or seeing women I know on Facebook announce their pregnancy. A few months ago, that would send my body into a slight anxiety attack. Now, I’m seeing those pregnancies as God’s blessings to them. It’s not that He’s not blessing me or not loving me. That’s just not His plan for me in this moment as much as I want it to be. This life is not my own. He paid a price for me and I have to live His plan out in each of my steps. I never know what the next day will hold, but I do know that the LORD is already there waiting for me to lift me back up and to help me when the tough parts of the day show up.
Remember, this isn’t my life on my time. It’s His creation. His temporary home for us. I have to honor Him in all that I do in my time here. It’s not easy. Jealousy and anxiety will probably creep in later today or tomorrow sometime when I see a 16 year old talk about getting pregnant her first time she had sex or a woman working out in the gym who’s 6 months pregnant and glowing. It might be my best friend announcing her pregnancy on social media. With all of these trials I face, I have the choice to choose what the enemy wants me to choose or to praise God for what He’s doing in their lives and turn to Him for strength.